I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
