turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
