you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
