I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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