Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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