I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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