so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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