Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
