Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
