apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
