I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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