Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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