first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
