Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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