I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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