im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
