i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
this is an emotional support booty call
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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