Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The struggles of a small town man whore
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
