I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
