just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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