i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I love having hate sex.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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