sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
