Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
