my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
