i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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