it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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