May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
