I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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