He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
