We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
