He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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