I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You are a genius and a whore.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
