I got chris browned last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
50% drunk capacity currently
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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