just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No subtext here. People are naked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
