This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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