Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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