my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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