I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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