From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
