i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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