I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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