New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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