I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i believe in u and ur pee
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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