I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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