Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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