What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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