I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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