you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
