First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
