I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
