i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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