i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
