You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
