somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
