I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
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why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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