My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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